


If You Seek Him--

by Quitebrilliantindeed



Category: Xenosaga
Genre: Gen, Grief/Mourning, Memorials, Post-Game(s), skinny love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-23
Updated: 2013-12-23
Packaged: 2018-01-05 19:57:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1098002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quitebrilliantindeed/pseuds/Quitebrilliantindeed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's only right that the "Durandal II" have a few differences from the original. Post-Games.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If You Seek Him--

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a (lovely) comment made by a friend. I guess this is sorta for you, Tkeyah! <3

"Is it okay?"

Okay…? Without a doubt. It’s the one place he’s been avoiding. He sees it out of the corner of his eye, and takes the first turn he can find, just so he can get the hell  _away_  from it.

MOMO finally tells him:

_"Go down B-Hall, on the Main Deck! There’s something…really important there."_

But he just tells her again and again:

_"Sorry. I haven’t had the time."_

Soon enough, he finds himself taking roundabout paths and convoluted routes to his destinations. He’ll charge straight at it, then bend away, like a light beam to a sphere. He tells himself  _"not now"_  and  _"I don’t have the time."_ He thinks _”I’m not quite ready,”_ or, _”It’s not the right day.”_ Sometimes, it’s even as blunt as: _”It’ll take too long.”_

But really, he knows he’s avoiding it. Flat-out _avoiding_  it. There’s no excuse he can make that’s strong enough to refute the truth. He’s kidding himself to think otherwise. He’s doesn’t want to see it, because he knows what’s there— and he’s scared.

"It’s perfect," Jr. says. MOMO seems pleased— she takes a careful step closer, despite the tension that suddenly runs down his body.

She’s so small next to him now. It’s the first time he really notices. 

He reaches out to the structure. With his hand relaxed and slightly open, he touches a petal with his fingers, and feels nothing.

He closes his eyes— he squeezes them shut, willing the emotions to come gushing out. They don’t. They wobble and swirl at the back of his head— present, but not in the way he  _wants_  them to be.

He wants to cry— he wants to grit his teeth and chew his lip. He wants to feel vulnerable and embarrassed— he wants MOMO to hold him and touch his hair, tell him it’s ‘okay.’ He wants dragons to erupt through his veins, begging to be released into the air. He wants to feel more agonized than he’s ever felt before—

But he doesn’t.

He bites his cheek, then his tongue. Maybe it was the wrong day. Maybe he should’ve turned away like he always did— maybe he should’ve gone straight back to his quarters, book in hand, and buried his nose in that.

But he didn’t.

He made the choice— almost subconsciously—to let his feet move forward, not sideways, and take him to the place he had avoided for ten days straight.

"The flowers are genetically altered," MOMO says softly. "They’re constantly renewing themselves, so we’ll never have to worry about losing or replacing them," She places a hand next to his, touching her fingers to the blue-violet bloom nearby. "Each one is completely unique— and irreplaceable!"

"I…" Jr. forces his mouth into a flimsy smile. "I like that."

"It’s fitting, isn’t it…?"

"Mmm," he nods, and removes his hand. "He would’ve liked it a lot."

MOMO is silent. She doesn’t move, but Jr. can’t feel her eyes on him anymore.

"…When you didn’t want to come, I was afraid…" Jr. turns ever so slightly, letting her barely enter his range of vision. "…That we had done something wrong. That you didn’t find it fitting enough…"

"No, no!" Jr. waves his hands back and forth. He doesn’t stop to think about how odd it must look— his body fits his age now, but his childish mannerisms never seem to fade. "It’s not that at all, I swear."

"Oh?" MOMO looks up at him wide-eyed. He hears she’s to get a new body soon— one that fits her age a little better. It makes him happy—it feels wrong for her to have to look up at him. "I’m so glad…" She twists her foot around on the floor. "We all decided it was an important thing to do— the original Durandal never would’ve existed without him, after all." She’s pacing around the memorial now, hands laced politely behind her back. "It’s at the exact center of the ship too!"

Jr. gives her a small laugh. “He’s the ‘heart’ then?”

"Exactly!"

Jr’s eyes soften. He really does like that… he likes all of this. 

"MOMO…" He begins. He has to do this— he has to let it out. Let it go. "…The reason I kept avoiding this place…"

"No," MOMO comes back to his side, looking him squarely in the eye. "Please don’t worry— I understand."

"…You do?" Jr’s eyebrows shoot up. "I felt like it was pretty rude of me…"

"No!" MOMO shakes her head, and takes a hold of his wrist. Jr. pushes back a little smile— he forgot how strong she was for her size. "It’s…it’s hard. If it’s painful even for someone like me to think about him…"

"…Yeah." Jr. slips his wrist from her grasp, choosing instead to take her whole hand and wrap his fingers around hers. She responds with a subtle delight— it makes his heart flutter, despite the situation. "I just think about him every day, so I wanted my first visit to be…"

"…Perfect?"

"Perfect." Jr. echos. He sighs immediately afterward— even with all of that careful timing and hesitation, it seems he mucked it up anyway.

"Jr…" MOMO squeezes his hand— it’s a small gesture, but her concern is clear as glass.

"MOMO?"

She nods. It holds far more power than any words could ever contain.

"I’m…afraid. I’m afraid that I don’t really…" He clutches at his skull with his one free hand, head throbbing with a sudden onset of thought and emotion. "That I don’t  _really_  care, you know? If I can’t even get upset at a fucking memorial—” He feels his nails dig into his scalp, completely out of his consciousness or control. “—Did his death… did it really mean anything to me? Anything at all?” His voice is reaching a near panic— but there’s still no sadness. Only fear and anger, agonizing, and directed nowhere but inward.

MOMO’s voice comes in like an angel from heaven. It’s clear as a bell, and cuts through the storm, like it did so many times, so many years ago:

"You think about him every day…?" She asks, repeating his earlier words. It’s simple. It grounds him.

He nods hesitantly, lowering his hand. His head stings where his nails had been, but his brain can’t quite register it yet.  ”Of course,” He chokes a small laugh. “The big dork never leaves my mind…”

"I don’t know if I’m any expert…" MOMO whispers, leaning her head against his arm. Jr. sighs— he wishes it could fit in his shoulder, just like it used to… "But that sounds like enough to me."

"…?" Jr. shifts, tilting his head. "Wh-what do you mean?"

"If you can’t stop thinking about him… I think that’s more than enough." She explains, head bobbing against him in confirmation. "All of this… it’s all just physical. It’s a reminder for all of us… but maybe that’s just not how you express it. Maybe you remember him in a different way."

"Then I’m just… trying too hard?"

"Mmm! Something like that. I think you’re forcing yourself into a mold." She giggles, bright and brilliant, unchanged after five—no, six— years. "Remember Gaignun how you want to remember him. Don’t try too hard to find meaning in everything, or you’ll only end up hurting yourself…" She rubs her thumb over his, affectionate and gentle, so pure, even after all this time…

Jr. looks up to the memorial. It’s subtle— despite it’s size— in the fact that it’s more of a garden than anything else. It’s an arrangement of flowers, bursting with color (blue, green, gold, violet, yellow—everything), all impeccably placed and arranged so that the colors and shapes did nothing but compliment and highlight one another. It’s simply  _overflowing._ It’s a cascade— it’s a testament to all things gentle and beautiful in the world— and he really, truly,  _loves_  it.

In the center of it all, there’s a small plaque— simple and shining— the only thing that truly marks it as a place of honor. It reads:

_“‘Si Monumentum Requiris, Circumspice’_

_'We know that we have passed from death unto life, because we love the brethren.'_

_Gaignun Kukai_

_T.C. 4741 - 4768 “_

Rationally— Jr. can’t ask for anything better. Irrationally? No— irrationality be damned. MOMO was right— she always was right.

"…Is there a pool table anywhere?" 

"Huh…?" MOMO tilts her head— he has her honestly confused now.

"Like a-a—" He stammers, "A billiards table?" He releases her hand and mimes taking a shot with a cue, expertly hitting an invisible ball into a pocket.

"I think there’s one in the lounge…?" She offers, a hand under her chin. "Why though? I mean— if I can ask…?"

Jr. closes his eyes, and allows himself to  _smile_ —  _smile properly_ — for the first time since they got to this room. “Have you ever played? Gaignun always used to kick my ass for sheer entertainment.”

The light caught in MOMO’s golden eyes— she was catching on to the point he was trying to make. She began to nod, slowly at first, then with more enthusiasm. Her smile spread and spread, mirroring Jr’s until the two were a proper pair of children again, bodies and minds in perfect synch.

"No, I haven’t!" She exclaims, bringing her hands together. "Will you teach me?" She glances quickly at the plaque, sitting perfectly in its jungle of flowers. "…I’m sure Gaignun taught you all sorts of good tricks."

"Yeah!" Jr. grinned, biting his thumbnail with a spark of pride. "So I’m gonna pass them onto you now."

"Ah! That sounds... perfect!" She agrees, with an unmatched enthusiasm.  Jr. knows it really is just that— and more.

**Author's Note:**

> I figured that Jr. would have "aged-up" upon the end of Episode III. U-DO no longer has the same influence on the lower domains, making the threat of Red Dragon going out of control basically negligible. Plus, there are no other URTVs around to worry about Executioner issues... 
> 
> As for MOMO-- it is (according to the Database) possible for her to transfer to an older body! This has yet to happen in this fic, but is implied to be a coming-event.
> 
> Hope you all enjoyed. <3 (I whipped this out in one day, do you not FEEL the inspiration dripping off this???)


End file.
